Kind Of Penis

A dramatization of recent world events.

*ring ring*

Bush: Don, it’s the W. Who’s next on our list of Freedom Candidates?

Rumsfeld: Looks like North Korea could be a good one. Folks there are all under the thumb of that Kim Jong-Il fella. Big human rights violations, and let’s not forget they’re just plain insane.

Bush: Sounds like a bad shitchashun! How we gonna go about getting in there?

Rumsfeld: Well, they’ve been making noise lately about having nuclear weapons, and -

Bush: Doubleyoo Em Dees? Motherfucker. Wait, do they have them or are they just wagging their tongues?

Rumsfeld: They don’t have them now, but they have expressed interest in obtaining them from Russia or China. See, here’s where we turn the table - what we’ll do is broker a sale of base missile technology to them through a few third parties. Once we bury the trail there’ll be nothing connecting the USA to the sale. They’ll do a test run, we’ll all say “What gives?” Then we start sanctioning, and perhaps even a little invasion.

Bush: Invasion, eh?

Rumsfeld: Sure, you know, to “look” for more WMDs. But really we’ll just be bombing the shit out of Kim’s house. We’ll leave a few thousand troops there, help them set up an interim government, throw ‘em some MREs then bulldoze half the country to make way for the New American Embassy like the one underway in Iraq.

Bush: Wait, that all sounds too simple…

Rumsfeld: That’s because it is simple. In one movement we’ll have liberated a people, destroyed an aggressor, and put surrounding countries at ease. It’s win-win-win! In fact, they tried to sell this plan to your father, but he turned it down as he felt it didn’t jive with the Spirit of America.

Bush: Fuck daddy, I’m a cowboy! Let’s rope ‘em and dope ‘em!

Later, in the Sitchashun Room…

Bush: Computer!

Computer: WhaaaAAAT?

Bush: Find me the right person to begin the transfer of missile technology to North Korea!

Computer: Searching…. searching… searching… one match found.

Bush: Fabian Basabe? Are you shitting me, computer?

Computer: His father is from Ecuador - start the sale in Ecuador and work your way to North Korea.

Bush: But there’s no way that gimp is gonna agree to this! Computer, advise!

Computer: *groan* Don’t tell him that you need his father to broker missiles. Tell him that they are a gift of goodwill for North Korea: giant penis statues. Label the boxes in Korean, which would be “Taepodong.” You know, “kind of penis .”

Bush: Sounds nifty, let’s get rolling!

Later, at Crobar…

Fabian: Oh my god, of course mi papa will get these to North Korea! Thass like, so nice of you!

Bush: This music is great, I need another bump! Listen, just make sure that he goes through a few other brokers before they get to North Korea, we want this to be hush-hush.

Fabian: Oh my god, no problem! And sorry for touching your daughter’s nani, I did no mean to…

Bush: S’all good Fabi, you wouldn’t have been the first.

Months later, in North Korea…

Peon: Mr. Jong-Il, a gift has just arrived for you! In boxes, marked From China, by way of Russia, by way of Syria, by way of Egypt, by way of Germany, by way of… the rest is too torn up to read.

Kim: Does it say what they are?

Peon: They are marked “Taepodong.”

Kim: “Kind of penis?”

Peon: Yes sir. They appear to be missiles, sir.

Kim: Ah ha, finally someone responded to our Craigslist ad, “Looking 4 missles 4 NK ASAP will pay $$$!” Get those setup and launched straight away!

After the failed missile launch…

Kim: Fuck! We’re fucking fucked! Those missiles did nothing! Who the hell set those up?

Kidnapee: I did, sir.

Kim: What the hell went wrong?

Kidnapee: Not sure sir, but I’m going blind due to malnutrition. That may have caused it.

Kim: Dammit.

Later on, in the Middle East…

*ring ring*

Israel: They did what?! Two soldiers? And rockets?! Where the hell do they get off kidnapping our people? Hold on, let me ask.

Israel: (shouting out window) HEY LEBANON!

Lebanon: (in distance) What do you want?

Israel: (shouting out window) DID YOUR CREW JUST KIDNAP TWO OF OUR GUYS?

Lebanon: (in distance) Um, who wants to know?

Israel: (shouting out window) YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS!!

Lebanon: (in distance) Sorry, no one is home at the moment.

Israel: God dammit, they did it. That’s it, they are going to get proper fucked. Time for us to show the world what messing with the Jews is all about!

Israel proceeds to rape Lebanon with aluminum baseball bats, but Lebanon has a board with a nail in it, and tries its best.

Meanwhile, simultaneously in North Korea and the USA…

Bush: What the fuck!

Kim: What the fuck!

Bush: Fucking Israel and Lebanon just completely stole the thunder of our North Korean operation! We’re completely out of the news!

Kim: Fucking Israel and Lebanon just completely stole the thunder of our Attention Whore operation! We’re completely out of the news!

Back at the White House…

Bush: Great, so now we’ve got to save our people, right? Fuck. I’ve only got a few bucks on me. How ’bout you, Rummy?

Rumsfeld: All my cash is tied up in burying this whole eavesdropping scandal…

Bush & Rumsfeld: Condi!

Rice: Yes Massas?

Bush: We still charging for getting our citizen’s stupid asses out of warzones? We’re a little short.

Rice: Yessir, but there’s been some recent heat over it, considering the rest of the world is doing it for free.

Bush: Goddamn college kids and their self-righteous bullshit, what the hell are they doing in a place like that anyway? What happened to Daytona Beach fer chissakes?

Rice: I’m sure I don’t know, sir. Drugs and hookers, probably.

Bush: Well I can’t slight ‘em for that, I’ve been there. Hell I was there last night, if ya get me! Hoo boy!

Rice: Yessir, whatever you say.

Bush: Just get our people out of there. But don’t go overboard or anything - one ship should be enough, just pull all 25,000 people out bit by bit. Bombs biting their heels should remind them to stop traveling to dangerous fucking places!

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