Why mess with perfection?

A Hush Happy-Making™ Fun Time Product Review.

CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE!

Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that the tic tac (yes it’s all lowercase and there is no hyphen) is the perfect sugar-based… candy… mint… thing? They’re cheap, they taste good as long as you buy the orange ones, they’re a great way to keep your hands and mouth occupied while you quit smoking, and they’re low in calories. They also barely freshen your breath. So what are they? Not mints, despite packaging stating otherwise. Not quite candy. I guess they’re just a confection, plain and simple.

So why mess with it? As that jackass Seinfeld put it, why do people mess with the toothbrush? It’s perfect as it is, bristles on a stick. The only change to tic tacs I want to see are new flavors. They have lime now. Awesome! And once they even mixed lemon and lime. That blew my god damn mind. I couldn’t deal with it. I was panicking every time I went to pop one out of the case (yes, it’s a case) - “Will it be lemon? Lime?! Ackg! The suspense!”

And so, I was quite taken aback when I went into 7-11 and saw…

Holy Fucking Shit.

They’ve emboldened tic tacs! I mean, wow! I thought those orange bastards were perfect as is, but now they’re offering a whole new epoch of flavor! But then, a pause. They have two flavors - the ubiquitous Mint, and the devilishly mysterious “Fruit.” And you know where I’m going with this - how the hell could I resist the juicy mystery that lay within the new, sleek and slender tic tac containment unit labeled “Fruit”? Well I’ll tell you - I couldn’t. I couldn’t resist, with its bright red container and softly contoured lines. And what kind of fruit flavor would await me? Was each little tic different from the next tac? Or were they all the same?

I was planning on finding out.

So, I slams them down on the counter and tell the (very adorable light-eyed busty) register drone “Woman! Ring these up post-haste, I have product testing to perform!” Suffice it to say that that more than likely eliminated any chance I had of getting her in the sack, I ignored it for the moment and proceeded home with my newly purchased tic tacs laughing maniacally in anticipation.

On a sidenote, 7-11 exists purely as a test platform for products that companies are afraid to unleash on the mass market, much like large truck stops. Where else can you find Nestlé Crunch cookie sticks, or Hershey’s Cocoa Peanuts? It’s a total trip.

I get home, leave the lights off, sit at my desk and proceed to pop open the access tab. “Thank god” I thought, “they left the very unsafe paper-tear access panel in place!” Those that know, know what I mean. I slowly let one slide into my hand…

… and I’m all “Wait.”

Turns out the tics and tacs themselves, aren’t that wild red color. They’re white. I mean, white! I stared at the tic (or tac, I’m not sure which it was) for a solid minute. I realized that in this day and age of packaging, I should have known that the bright red plastic container was that color to lure unsuspecting rubes like me into a purchase, thinking the vittles inside are more exotic than they really are.

Oh well. I popped that bad boy into my mouth. As any tic tac aficionado knows, they have two stages - a sweet outside, and a tart inside. Right away, it has a delightful little tang. I’m all “Ooooooo.” And then. Then…

You know what Amoxicillin is, right? That burnt-bubble-gum flavored antibiotic that they give you for ear infections and stuff? I was 10 years old and sick again, making a ghastly face at the taste of the little capsule that I allowed into my food hole.

This shit tastes like motherfucking antibiotics.

I promptly spit it out, not wanting to suffer through the candy outside to the formerly enticing tart center. God knows what would have happened if I did. Maybe it would have tasted like a nice strong dose of cod liver oil. I cared not to find out.

These tic tacs… no, these bastardized imitations of tic-tacness… are now sitting at the corner of my desk, where I give them an evil glance every so often. As if to say…

A knife through my heart, tic tacs. A knife through my heart.

Hush gives tic tac Bold™ an F. Thanks for stopping by!